"It's okay, I'm a leaf on the wind..."

Ambivalent.

It's the only word I can really use right now to describe how I feel.

I'm back where I grew up.  A goal that has been set since the beginning of the year.  I'm happy to be here, but sad to be gone from Joliet.

I'm full of hope for the future, still have no idea what any of that will look like, but I have hope from God in it.  I'm happy to be near my parents.  Happy to be near old friends.  Everything is so familiar yet strange.  Like I'm looking at things I only dreamed of and didn't see clearly, or things I saw through a dirty window that is now clean.

I keep thinking of John Cusack's character in Grosse Pointe Blank, Martin Blank.  He returns home 10 years after disappearing from his senior prom.  He goes to where his childhood house was and finds a convenience store complete with disinterested clerk.  "What are you doing here?" he asks the confused teen.  Then after a pointless string of questions he mutters in utter frustration, "Who - I used to - Where - W-what are you doing here?"

He then calls his therapist and ends his call with, "You can never go home again...but I guess you can shop there."


Granted my situation isn't even remotely similar.  But there's a feeling in his frustration that I am experiencing.  I don't quite know how to describe it except as the aforementioned ambivalence.


My heart longs for what will be, but yearns for what was.


There is this awesome sadness that keeps trying to cling to me.  I've kept it at bay most of this week by keeping busy.  But tonight it's sinking it's teeth in.  This isn't the verge of depression or some plea for support or anything.  Sadness is not in itself a bad thing.  I need to endure this and I'm finally letting it happen.  I know I'm not alone.  I know Jesus is here with me.  Also that the love and prayers of friends here in PA and those in IL, MO, and elsewhere are with me.


I'm really missing my Joliet family tonight.  The Deeter's, the Bin Youth, the Jahnke's, everyone at SWCC and many others.


I haven't had a good and proper laugh since last Sunday.  For those who know what I'm talking about...well, you know what I'm talking about.


To all of you in Joliet, you will never know how much you have impacted and shaped my life.  I'm forever changed because of all of you.  Individually and as a whole.  I can't thank you enough.


I'm sad to have left.  But I'm excited about what is yet to come.


Which brings me to the title of this post.  From a fantastic show that became a movie.  Firefly to Serenity.  Some of the best written characters ever created, and with far too short a life span.  Like a leaf on the wind, I'm flying, but there is no way to predict where I'm going.  One thing you can do though, is tell what type of tree I grew from.


From my parents, brothers and sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, mentors, pastors, school friends, college friends, co-workers, students, youth leaders, business owners, and so on, you have all contributed to who I am.  Good, bad, and everything else.  I carry all of you with me.

All of you.


"It's okay, I'm a leaf on the wind...watch how I soar."