In Memoriam

Thank you. 

Thank you to every man and woman who has given their lives for the United States.  Today is a celebration of your lives and your dedication to see Life, Liberty, and Freedom endure.

Your sacrifice was not given in vain.

There is still hope for this country.

Thank you.

Old Threads

    “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?”  -Frodo The Return of the King

This is Frodo’s narration as the final scenes of The Return of the King, and the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy play out.  He’s returned to his cozy hobbit hole at Bag End after his incredible year long journey from Hobbiton to Rivendell to Mordor and back.  He and his fellow hobbit companions are changed people.  They aren’t the simple fun loving, song singing, drink sharing folk they were the year before.

Sure some of those elements are still there.  But there are things that will never be the same.  How do you compare the height of the White City of Minas Tirith to the earthy colored walls of a hobbit hole?  The places they have been may have only strengthened their love of all things hobbitish, but they cannot un-see the places they have gone.

No more than they can un-experience the battles they have fought, the brutality of war and destruction that it brings.  They cannot un-shed the blood they themselves have shed, be it their own or their enemies.

Nor can they un-meet their other companions, or other characters they met along the way.  They can’t un-speak the conversations about life and death and all the rest. 

Forever. 

Those places, experiences and people have altered their lives for all time.  Just like the places, experiences and people that have come into my life have altered me forever.

For ever.

After nearly 14 years I have returned to my hometown.

Funny how the ending of one chapter can sometimes take you back to a place where a previous chapter started.  It’s the same place, but the environment may or may not have changed slightly.  Usually the characters have changed or seen things that would alter their perception of this familiar setting.

And that’s where I am.  New chapter.  Same story.  Previous setting, different perceptions.  New familiarity.

You see, you cannot pick up the pieces of an old life.

Not possible.

Because whether we like it or not, things change.  Maybe it’s us that changes, maybe it’s our surroundings, but something is always changing.

You can’t pick up an old life because that old life is affected by what has led to the new or different life.

The new life that is, exists because of the life that was.  It may be minor changes, but they are there.  The way we look at a sunset because of that one we saw in that one place.  Or the way we think about a book or movie because of that conversation with what’s their face.  It’s different.

Hopefully it’s better.

I know for myself it is better.  I’ve come back a different person.  For me many things are similar, but every thing is better.  (Except the stink bugs, seriously.  Thanks China!)  My relationships with my parents are better.  My walk with God is better (but there is always room for improvement there!)

The threads of my old life can’t be picked up.  Nobody’s can.  Because they are part of the tapestry that is their entire life.  You can trace those threads back to where you ‘left’ them, but they are woven into who you are now.

Just because you can’t “go back,” doesn’t mean that sadness and despair are the result.  There is a sadness to Frodo’s words.  But that sadness doesn’t touch Sam.  Sam does have a sadness in part, but for him, life is better on returning home.  He has courage, strength, he gets married, has a family and lives a long and happy life.  He does back to his same house, doing what he used to do, but he is changed.

A good friend shared the song “For Good” from Wicked on my facebook page after I moved from Illinois to PA.  I’ve not seen the play but I get the concept of what it’s about.  And these words go hand in hand with this post.

“Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better…

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...”

Old threads can’t be picked up.  They can only continue on.  Because our old lives make us who we are today.  The old becomes the new.  We move on.  We grow.  Every day, every life, every moment contributing to the next.

Grace, Peace and Love
 -jesse

"It's okay, I'm a leaf on the wind..."

Ambivalent.

It's the only word I can really use right now to describe how I feel.

I'm back where I grew up.  A goal that has been set since the beginning of the year.  I'm happy to be here, but sad to be gone from Joliet.

I'm full of hope for the future, still have no idea what any of that will look like, but I have hope from God in it.  I'm happy to be near my parents.  Happy to be near old friends.  Everything is so familiar yet strange.  Like I'm looking at things I only dreamed of and didn't see clearly, or things I saw through a dirty window that is now clean.

I keep thinking of John Cusack's character in Grosse Pointe Blank, Martin Blank.  He returns home 10 years after disappearing from his senior prom.  He goes to where his childhood house was and finds a convenience store complete with disinterested clerk.  "What are you doing here?" he asks the confused teen.  Then after a pointless string of questions he mutters in utter frustration, "Who - I used to - Where - W-what are you doing here?"

He then calls his therapist and ends his call with, "You can never go home again...but I guess you can shop there."


Granted my situation isn't even remotely similar.  But there's a feeling in his frustration that I am experiencing.  I don't quite know how to describe it except as the aforementioned ambivalence.


My heart longs for what will be, but yearns for what was.


There is this awesome sadness that keeps trying to cling to me.  I've kept it at bay most of this week by keeping busy.  But tonight it's sinking it's teeth in.  This isn't the verge of depression or some plea for support or anything.  Sadness is not in itself a bad thing.  I need to endure this and I'm finally letting it happen.  I know I'm not alone.  I know Jesus is here with me.  Also that the love and prayers of friends here in PA and those in IL, MO, and elsewhere are with me.


I'm really missing my Joliet family tonight.  The Deeter's, the Bin Youth, the Jahnke's, everyone at SWCC and many others.


I haven't had a good and proper laugh since last Sunday.  For those who know what I'm talking about...well, you know what I'm talking about.


To all of you in Joliet, you will never know how much you have impacted and shaped my life.  I'm forever changed because of all of you.  Individually and as a whole.  I can't thank you enough.


I'm sad to have left.  But I'm excited about what is yet to come.


Which brings me to the title of this post.  From a fantastic show that became a movie.  Firefly to Serenity.  Some of the best written characters ever created, and with far too short a life span.  Like a leaf on the wind, I'm flying, but there is no way to predict where I'm going.  One thing you can do though, is tell what type of tree I grew from.


From my parents, brothers and sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, mentors, pastors, school friends, college friends, co-workers, students, youth leaders, business owners, and so on, you have all contributed to who I am.  Good, bad, and everything else.  I carry all of you with me.

All of you.


"It's okay, I'm a leaf on the wind...watch how I soar."