Broken & Lost

Six years ago I was a different person.

I was broken.

I was with out direction.

I was lost.

In the Fall of 2004 I began two journeys. One for entertainment, the other of desperation.

A relationship that was bad from, "Hello," came to an end. An end I wanted, but was not strong, or willing enough to make happen.

So I cried out to God.

He heard me.

The relationship ended. So I began my journey back to God, rather, who he wanted me to be. I had taken many selfish roads away from who I thought I was, and what I was to be. Only to return broken and useless. But nothing is irreversible.

The other journey was with the characters of a show called Lost.

A story about broken, directionless people.

People who were lost.

It wasn't until tonight, after watching the series finale, that I saw the shows' parallel with my own journey.

The finale, to me, was about faith and fulfilling a purpose, and letting go. A purpose you may never have sought for yourself. A purpose of helping others. Watching how these characters have struggled for and against faith, and fate or destiny...only to have their eyes open in the end, and submit to the truth.

Six years ago I was doing everything wrong.

I struggled and fought.

But God is a patient and merciful teacher.

He corrects and disciplines those he loves. And I've been getting a lot of both. Watching the finale of Lost tonight, caused me to look back at the show, and in turn, my own life since 2004.

I was in a solid but dead end job. No motivation. No purpose. I simply existed. My dreams were gone, or hollow compared to what they once were. I had virtually exiled myself from friends and family.

And God.

I was selfish and unwhole.

But God was always there. I had just gotten good at ignoring him.

That changed, just as surely as Summer was changing into Autumn.

I changed.

Slowly, over the past 6 years, and I'll keep growing and changing until the day I die. We never run out of time or opportunities to grow and change. We can ignore them, or let them pass, but they are always there. We can, until we die.

And I'm not dead yet.

God has moved me, spiritually, physically...completely.

I'm here on the precipice of a dream, a calling that began 15 years ago. Africa.

I sidetracked myself for a goodly while. Chasing after one desire or another. Serving only myself. Yet God put me back on track. I've been allowed to discover, or have been given new talents and abilities. And opportunity after opportunity to grow.

I've messed up on them sometimes, a lot of times, but God was, is, and will always be here to guide me.

Sitting here, writing this I realize I'm coming to a finale of sorts. It's not here yet, but it's coming. What it is, I don't rightly know. It's a mystery. Many mysteries.

I do know that change is coming.

Movies reach the credits, a book eventually comes to the back cover, and periods of life come to an end. And in ending, present new beginnings.

Moving, changing, growing...it's a part of life. They are defining qualities of life.

And I am so ready for it!

I pray I can keep up, and that I will see beyond my own needs, my growth, my story. That I can be useful, and have a purpose besides consuming and existing. That I might live out God's purpose for me.

Jesus, you are my constant. When I am confused, tempted, lost...let me open my heart and see you, and know where I belong. Though I deserve nothing, save to be called your enemy, your Grace has changed all that.

You call me child, friend, Jesse. I pray I will be forever thankful.

Father, increase in my life for your glory. Decrease me, to your honor.

Jesus I love you, my words don't convey the depth and scope of how you have changed me, or what you mean to me.

But I thank you.

When the world is in chaos, let me hear your voice.

When it is still, let me know your presence.

Use me, when, where, and however you will.

Be glorified in my life, so that it may be Your life.

Amen.

(journal entry May 23rd 2010)

Broken Little Things

She reached up with her perfect arm, feeling her slender fingers wrap around the ripe fruit. It was cool and felt like it belonged in her hand. The wind blew gently through the trees, the smell of lilac and honeysuckle filled the evening air. She lifted the fruit to her mouth, her lips tingled as they touched it's skin. She took a bite, juice ran over her chin...and something inside of her, broke.

It broke inside of her. Then it broke inside of her husband. And their children, all the way down the lines of history to you and me. We are all broken. In more ways than one. Some of us more than others. No matter how we try to dress it up, conceal it, ignore it, deny it...it's there in all of us.

We as humans, were not meant to live as we now do.

This past weekend I went to the St. Louis Zoo. For those of you who don't know me well, or thought you did...I love animals. Animals have been something I've always been fascinated with since I was a kid. So I was looking forward to going to the zoo. It was a very nice zoo, with lots of animals. I was thoroughly impressed with all the animals and ability to clearly see them and appreciate their beauty.

Something happened though when I was looking at the great apes. Now, I'm not going to sit here and talk like I'm some sort of expert or that I've studied these animals for years or anything. I've read some books here and there and may know a few things, but I'm not well versed in all things ape.

The first apes I saw were the chimps. I could see one off a way in the "trees." Then I moved to the next window around the corner, and there was an older chimp sitting in the corner by the glass. There were lots of kids ignoring the "don't knock on the glass" sign. The parents weren't doing too good a job either.

I watched the chimp sitting in the corner, uninterested in anything. It's lip and jaw were slack and just hanging open. It just sat there, or slumped rather, leaning into the corner seemingly oblivious to what was going on. Staring at nothing.

It looked broken.

Like an old man in a nursing home who doesn't know who, or where he is. The lights were on, but nobody was home. This was not the life this chimp was meant to life. Granted it may have a great habitat, proper food and care...but is that the life it was born for?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not berating zoos or parks like this, I think they are great and fascinating. But I think that there's been enough studies and research done to show that animals in captivity are not the "same" as those in the wild.

As I walked around the zoo I started to see all the other animals in this light. Especially the bears (my personal favorite.) One of the grizzlies and one of the Malayan Sun bears just paced most of the time. Back and forth on the edge of their concrete enclosures. Like some mindless ritual or routine. The Amur Tigers, three of them, prowling about in an area greatly reduced from what their natural territory must be.

They were all broken.

Just like us.

We are broken by sin. When Adam and Eve ate of the fruit they changed forever, they changed us forever.

A few of the things that broke were our relationship with God, our relationship to Creation, and our relationship with each other.

God created us to be with Him.
(The Whole Bible)

This idea is the basis for all the books of the Bible. God created us. He would walk in the garden with Adam and Eve, until they hid from Him. They were banished from the Garden, but God still spoke to them. To Noah. To Abram. And He is still talking to this day.

Look what he says in Ezekiel:

"My dwelling place will be with them; I will be their God, and they will be my people."
-Ezekiel 37:27

Throughout history God is showing us ways to draw closer to Him. Ultimately it is Jesus' life, death, and resurrection that makes that possible. God's son did that for us. I think it's evident that He wants to be with us.


God created man to cultivate the ground, and rule over the animals.
(Genesis 1:26-29)

"Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.'"
-Genesis 1:26

Adam was placed in the garden to work it and take care of it, Genesis 2:15. Then the animals were brought to him and he named them. Genesis 2:19-20.

God created Eve to be with Adam.
(Genesis 2:21-25)

"But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man."
-Genesis 2:20-22

Eve was created from Adam, for Adam. They were made to be together. To help each other and keep each other company. I can't think of a greater human example of brokenness than that of the relationship between men and women.

Then, the serpent came.

They ate the fruit.

Everything changed.

We were broken.


Broken from God

The immediate response to sin was for Adam and Eve to hide. We don't want God to see us for what we really are. There are many ways people deal with this. Some will seek an easier answer to God, easier than faith. By doing works, things they can say, "Look what good things I did to earn my way here."

Others will deny God's existence. We can't admit to feeling separated from God if we don't think He exists. Yet others try to scientifically prove He is real. Or that we are all gods and shouldn't feel bad about anything if it comes from inside us. This list could go on and on with the things we do to fill that gap, that breach in our soul that is missing God.


Broken from Others

War. Hate. Violence.

Those things pretty much sum up this point. This one is violently demonstrated when Cain kills Able because Able obeyed God. It's no wonder that being broken from God, the one who created us, would cause us to be broken from each other. Adam blamed Eve when God found them after they ate of the tree.

Somehow we have it in our head that by disassociating with people we think are "less" than us, it makes us better. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Jesus told the disciples to be in the world not of it. He also said that he came to heal the sick, for the healthy do not need a doctor.

So, especially in Christian circles, we've got a mind set that we need to distance ourselves from sinners, the lost.

And we quickly forget that we are just as guilty. We think we're better, and we act it out.

We have issues with friends, children, parents, spouses, co-workers and on and on. No relationship we could ever have is the way it is supposed to be. We can work at them every day, but we are broken from each other.

Broken from each other because we are broken from God.


Broken from Creation

We are no longer in dominion of creation. And as much as I love nature, we were never in "harmony" with it. Read the Creation story again. God put Adam in charge of the animals and plants. But because of Sin, we are subject to them. We don't live in nature and creation as God intended.

We destroy nature to live. We consume everything. There is little awe and respect for what God made.

The work God made us to do, most people don't do, and wouldn't know how to do. Our bodies were not made to sit in plush office chairs 6 days a week. We were not made to spend our lives watching TV.

So what do we see? Obesity and other eating disorders. Health problems from working too much. Ergonomic cushions to prevent carpel tunnel. ADHD, depression, social anxiety. Addictions to fantasies that are not, and can never be real.

I honestly believe that these are things we have brought on ourselves with the way we live.

I'm not saying we all need to torch our houses, quit our jobs and go live in the woods. But we need to be aware that this isn't what we were made for.


The Fix

There is a solution to this. A cast to heal the break if you will. And that is Jesus. He came and gave us an opportunity to reconnect with God the Father. We can restore that relationship with Him. Through Jesus.

In restoring our relationship with God, we can allow Him to fix our relationship with others. Our relationship with His creation.

But like all breaks and wounds, healing takes time. You can set an arm after it is broken, but it takes time for the bone to heal. God fixes us, and He will work on us the rest of our life if we let Him.

We can't think that simply saying a prayer and returning to the life we know will do anything.

God changes us, makes us a new creation. We choose to reach up and pluck that fruit from the tree again. And God will correct us if we let Him. Or we can choose to ignore Him. Again.

Like with the broken bone, the doctor will tell you how to take care of it, to allow the best healing. God has provided all the instructions we need in the Word. Through the Word. It is there that we find the healing, the restoration we seek. It's in the Word, the living and active Word of God that we are mended.

Like that chimp I saw at the zoo. It was technically a chimp, but it wasn't living the life it was born to live. Perhaps as it sat there, slack jawed and staring it was dreaming. Of what life would be like to be free. Free of the broken life it was living.

Climbing trees living in it's natural environment. Playing, fighting, and defending. Seeking food when it was hungry, and unafraid to reach out for that next branch.


The Fear

There is a fear that comes from a break. A fear of it happening again. I know when I broke my collar bone in a car accident, I was overly cautious in making left hand turns for years after the accident.

Fear will cripple us. Prevent us from living.

A study published in 2008 suggested that 1 in 3 animals raised in captivity will survive upon release into the wild. They lack the survival skills needed to hunt, evade, and fight. It is much the same with us. We are living a life we weren't meant to live. Apart from God, apart from each other, apart from creation.

But if we trust in God, and seek Jesus, we can live a life that is so much more full than the life we live crippled by sin. We can enjoy a life of wisdom and instruction from God instead of floundering in the dark. We can live together and appreciate each other more instead of arguing and hating. We can walk outside and see the beauty of creation instead of the glow of a monitor.

Reach out to God.

Extend your broken soul to Him and he will heal you. We are all broken little things, but God is bigger and more powerfull than anything. He, and he alone can fix us, make us whole, unbroken.

"Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."
-Isaiah 64:8