Broken & Lost

Six years ago I was a different person.

I was broken.

I was with out direction.

I was lost.

In the Fall of 2004 I began two journeys. One for entertainment, the other of desperation.

A relationship that was bad from, "Hello," came to an end. An end I wanted, but was not strong, or willing enough to make happen.

So I cried out to God.

He heard me.

The relationship ended. So I began my journey back to God, rather, who he wanted me to be. I had taken many selfish roads away from who I thought I was, and what I was to be. Only to return broken and useless. But nothing is irreversible.

The other journey was with the characters of a show called Lost.

A story about broken, directionless people.

People who were lost.

It wasn't until tonight, after watching the series finale, that I saw the shows' parallel with my own journey.

The finale, to me, was about faith and fulfilling a purpose, and letting go. A purpose you may never have sought for yourself. A purpose of helping others. Watching how these characters have struggled for and against faith, and fate or destiny...only to have their eyes open in the end, and submit to the truth.

Six years ago I was doing everything wrong.

I struggled and fought.

But God is a patient and merciful teacher.

He corrects and disciplines those he loves. And I've been getting a lot of both. Watching the finale of Lost tonight, caused me to look back at the show, and in turn, my own life since 2004.

I was in a solid but dead end job. No motivation. No purpose. I simply existed. My dreams were gone, or hollow compared to what they once were. I had virtually exiled myself from friends and family.

And God.

I was selfish and unwhole.

But God was always there. I had just gotten good at ignoring him.

That changed, just as surely as Summer was changing into Autumn.

I changed.

Slowly, over the past 6 years, and I'll keep growing and changing until the day I die. We never run out of time or opportunities to grow and change. We can ignore them, or let them pass, but they are always there. We can, until we die.

And I'm not dead yet.

God has moved me, spiritually, physically...completely.

I'm here on the precipice of a dream, a calling that began 15 years ago. Africa.

I sidetracked myself for a goodly while. Chasing after one desire or another. Serving only myself. Yet God put me back on track. I've been allowed to discover, or have been given new talents and abilities. And opportunity after opportunity to grow.

I've messed up on them sometimes, a lot of times, but God was, is, and will always be here to guide me.

Sitting here, writing this I realize I'm coming to a finale of sorts. It's not here yet, but it's coming. What it is, I don't rightly know. It's a mystery. Many mysteries.

I do know that change is coming.

Movies reach the credits, a book eventually comes to the back cover, and periods of life come to an end. And in ending, present new beginnings.

Moving, changing, growing...it's a part of life. They are defining qualities of life.

And I am so ready for it!

I pray I can keep up, and that I will see beyond my own needs, my growth, my story. That I can be useful, and have a purpose besides consuming and existing. That I might live out God's purpose for me.

Jesus, you are my constant. When I am confused, tempted, lost...let me open my heart and see you, and know where I belong. Though I deserve nothing, save to be called your enemy, your Grace has changed all that.

You call me child, friend, Jesse. I pray I will be forever thankful.

Father, increase in my life for your glory. Decrease me, to your honor.

Jesus I love you, my words don't convey the depth and scope of how you have changed me, or what you mean to me.

But I thank you.

When the world is in chaos, let me hear your voice.

When it is still, let me know your presence.

Use me, when, where, and however you will.

Be glorified in my life, so that it may be Your life.

Amen.

(journal entry May 23rd 2010)